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It was 5:00 in the afternoon for God sakes, and I was just getting
comfy with my reddisert's Big Boob Doll of Fuzzy Bumpin.
I answered the phone, startled by the voice at the other end.
"Hello?" I said, scraping some plaque off my teeth and feeding it to
my love doll for supper.
"Hey, it's your English teacher MC," the low pitched
voiced announced into my ear.
"Um, oh hi, how are you?"
"Pretty good," the voice replied.
"And how's your bald spot and your pet chicken?"
"Oh they're doing pretty good, I had to choke the chicken last night,
he screwed up my taxes as usual. I dunno why I keep letting my
chicken do taxes."
"Yeah, so anyway, what's up?" I asked, eagerly wondering what
idiotic fun MC had in mind.
"Oh nothing much, just wondering if you wanted to go on a nature
hike with me."
"A nature hike? Can we eat stuff we find on the ground?" I
asked
with all the curiosity of a school girl with a new training bra.
"Sure we can, why else would we go?"
"Great! What kind of nature hike is it?"
"Awww, just one to go check out some squirrels and nuts."
"Cool, lemme get naked and I'll be right there." I said with
enthusiasm, quickly undressing and shoving my love doll aside.
With a *swoosh* I jumped into my toilet and pushed the handle.
With a *flush* I was on my way through the sewer system over to
MC's house. Within minutes (I finally installed that
hyper-space-crapper time-elimination-add-on to my plumbing) I
arrived in MC's toilet. He was quite surprised, obviously not
knowing of my secret infatuation with his waste.
"Ta da!" I shouted as I squeezed out of his toilet like a pickle out
of a narrow jar.
"You ready to go?" MC asked.
"Yes my friend, I am one with nature." I said, brushing some dead
rats I hit in hyper-space off of my body. We got in MC's jalopy
(it's a Pinto to be precise) and headed on down to the local
animal sanctuary.
"Hey MC, put the pedal to the metal!!!"
MC ignored me as usual, waiting for just the right moment to
open my door and push me out of the car while we were going a nice
75 mph. I guess with his better judgement, he figured a better way
to assassinate me later on in the day. I was armed to the teeth with
a shotgun and rocket launcher, but MC, being the wimp he is, only
took an axe. Sheesh, what a weenie. At the gate a sign said
"No
weapons allowed."
This was obviously a violation of my constitutional rights to carry
firearms and weapons of mass destruction into government facilities,
so I quickly came up with a plan.
"MC, we won't have any fun without hurting animals on our hike,
I got an idea. Here, shove these rockets in your back pants. Oh,
and
shove this rocket launcher in your underwear. Wait a minute, if you
move the
rocket launcher a little to the left, I can squeeze my shotgun in
there. Hey, here's a good idea. If I can squeeze in your shirt, we
only have to pay for one person since I'll be well concealed."
I can tell MC liked my plan with his encouraging groans of pain.
I tried to crawl in his shirt, but the damn thing just couldn't hold
me correctly. That's when a better plan sank into my dense head.
"Hey MC, here take this bra and put it on. I'll hide in your right
boob, just walk real slowly and I don't think we'll get hurt."
MC complied and before you know it, an hour later, we were at
the front gate.
"Hello," MC said to the ticket man at the front gate. "One
please."
"Hey! You aren't trying to sneak any circus midgets in this place
via your bra are you ma'am?"
I curled up to an even tighter ball after hearing this. I started
shaking, afraid that MC would get caught. He did look kind of
odd though. Actually, with the rockets in his back pants it kinda
looked like he took a crap in 'em. And then with the rocket launcher
and shotgun in his front-side... well I'll leave that up to your
imagination. Oh and then the huge oversized bra.. well to say
the
least he looked like a freak of nature. Even weirder the Richard
Simmons!
"No sir, I hate circus midgets, in fact, back in 'Nam I killed at
least 150 of em. Poor suckers."
"Okay then, it'll be 50 cents to get in." MC handed over the two
quarters.
After we were a good 3 feet from the gate I figured it was safe to
get out. I hopped out of his bra and gathered my belongings.
I
spotted a dead endangered squirrel species on the ground and
quickly began munching on it. We wandered around the animal
sanctum for days, but eventually found were a group was being lead
on a guided tour. The forest ranger began the tour, stopping at a
tree to admire a species. A rare species of tree-squirrel.
"Now, if you look to your left--" Immediately MC and I turned
with a cl_yawspeed of 330 and began firing. I missed with my first
two rockets, but MC jumped with the agility of Spiderman onto
the tree and hacked the squirrel to pieces.
"Okay," the ranger remarked. "Who did that?"
MC and I hid our weapons of destruction and looked around
curiously as to who could have caused such a tragedy.
"I'm not sure, but whoever did, I'm gonna kill with this here rocket
launcher," I boasted, quickly battering away the smoke from my
smoking rocket launcher barrel.
"Yeah," MC replied "it's so horrible that innocent tree squirrels
get pummeled by axes wielded by psycho's like myself." MC said,
cleaning the squirrels head off his axe.
"Okay, but if I ever find out who did that, the person or persons
responsible are going to be in real big trouble," the ranger said,
eyeing everyone suspiciously. The group proceeded on,
with the
ranger as our pointman, and MC and I taking the flank, no
squirrel mob was gonna get the drop on us. I scanned the forest
line.
"Enemy sighted bearing 2 4 5 2 3 heading 180 degree's to the
north." I quietly whispered to MC. I fired a good 10 missiles,
while picking up haste. MC ran for Quad and the strength rune...
what a cheap ass 8X bastard.
But this time I was going to be the one to score, as I let off another
5 missiles, showering the area with shrapnel and explosions. MC
tried to dodge the missiles, but lost an arm or something.
"Ow, you idiot, you hit me." MC growled.
"Oh yeah, stop whining you baby. What would Sarge
think? All those weeks in his death camp, I mean boot camp, he'd
be
ashamed of your lack of dodging. Here, let me push latency so that
doesn't happen again." I pulled down the console and typed in the
command, reducing lag for my friend.
"Besides," I remarked "the squirrel is toast, and isn't that the
important part?"
"Yeah, I guess" MC replied with guilt. That's when we noticed
the park ranger and his group staring at us with anger.
"Um, MC."
"Yeah?"
"I think they're angry we're killing all the wildlife."
"Those selfish bastards, let's teach em a lesson."
"Yeah, we'll show em a thing or three." With that, I stuck
15 of my
rockets in MC's underwear, and threw him at the crowd.
"Eat this you bunch of sick twisted squirrel loving psychos!"
I said
with the anger of the Pillsbury doughboy when he found out he was
made of clay. I shot off a rocket and MC, I must say, was quite
a good explosive. Showering the innocent nature watchers with
shrapnel and guts galore. Most of them died, but some of them
lived. I could see they were in agony.
I grabbed the nearest beaver, and angered it by poking it with
sharp objects. With the beaver angry, and pointed it at each
persons neck, quickly decapitating their heads and sparing them of
suffering a slow death by rabid squirrels. I felt good that day as I
flew off the scene butt-naked.
But I'll never forget MC, and all those cops following me and
firing their guns trying to kill me. I still hold a soft spot for
that
cute ape. By God, I cry every once in a while when I see a
tree-squirrel. But then I remember as I launch a rocket
at it, that
MC would have liked it that way.
